NIPT Results Came with Lots of Tears
4/30/18 Evening – The day I got results from NIPT for High Probability of Down Syndrome
FINDING OUT
I’ve been waiting for this journal entry and blog post with excitement and trepidation. I wasn’t sure if the words I wrote would match my memory of that day. I had not read this particular entry since the day I wrote it.
When people ask me if we found out beforehand about our baby’s diagnosis I have said, “Yes, and it was not as big of a deal as I thought it would be.”
After reading my reaction in my journal now, I will have to adjust my answer a bit. Every time I read this journal entry I can’t help but cry.
In my memory, I was standing at our island between the kitchen and the living room when the phone rang and I answered.
The genetics counsellor dropped the bomb pretty quickly “ NIPT blood test results…. highly accurate… there is a 90% chance your baby has Down syndrome…”
I remember pacing all around the room, willing her in my mind to not tell me all the options they could offer. As soon as I could, I said, “Oh we thought this could happen and we want to keep the baby, no question.”
I could not have endured her saying the words termination, or abortion or anything related. Luckily, she didn’t since I jumped the gun so quickly. She did want to make sure I really was ok, which I appreciated.
Since then, I’ve read a few books about the recommended ways of finding out news like this, and over the phone is pretty frowned upon according to the Down Syndrome Society guidelines. It is better to be done in person, with both parents present.
Personally, I’m kind of glad it went the way it did because I got to process it alone.
MIX OF FEELINGS
There was such a mix of feelings; it is hard to describe the sadness, grief, fear, disappointment, peace, thankfulness, excitement, hope, love, blessing, and comfort – of those first moments, minutes, hours – of absorbing news like that. Even now as I write this I had to take a moment of silence to give room for all those feelings to have space within my heart.
Now that we know who our baby is, the mix of feelings are still similar but the love, hope and blessing far surpass all the other feelings.
It’s hard to admit I felt those “negative” feelings of sadness and grief. I’d like to forget I felt those things and think I was 100% positive, trusting God with no fears of what the future was going to be like. But it was not that simple and I wouldn’t be fully human if I had not felt all those ways.
Not getting our expectations fulfilled hurts at any age in any circumstance. And feeling that hurt is ok. In fact, we must feel the hurt and deal with it instead of living in denial or stuffing it, or numbing ourselves to it.
I’ve found that once the truth is out there and known, it is possible to do something about it.
We can prepare. We can cry and mourn with God and ask to see the hurt the way He does. We can also realize we have a choice and the freedom to look for the silver lining even in the sadness.
Good and bad falls on everyone. I’m reminded of the words in the song, Blessings by Laura Story:
‘Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise’
JOURNAL ENTRY
April 30, 2018
It’s now 9:58 pm and I couldn’t go to bed without writing down what happened today and my 1st reactions.
I got a call from a genetics counsellor telling me my results from the blood test came back with a 90% chance our baby has down syndrome.
I might be in shock but what I feel and felt was – I kinda saw this coming. Ever since Mike Erre, our old pastor at Rock Harbor had his son Seth with Down syndrome I always wondered if that would happen to us? Now the reality is here, and I feel pretty peaceful. I told her there was a family at church who had a son in my son’s class, and I had a spiritual/ emotional feeling it might be true this time around.
She was so supportive and helpful, gave me options [for more information or help] and I told her my predetermined decisions. Then I hung up the phone and cried.
I pulled myself together after a minute or two and started making lunch. [After that] I went to the bathroom and bawled as I sat there. Then I got back to taking care of my 3 littles.
I thought about my fears and I know part of them are grief over not having a “normal” child, and its still just a possibility, albeit a high possibility.
But I also had thankfulness mixed in with my sadness. Actually, some excitement too that our family was blessed with this child. This new and unexpected path would be a tool to teach our kids more deeply how to love and accept and persevere. This experience and family is already known by God and predetermined to be in our family.
And I know my life verse this year is Jeremiah 29:11*, lol easy reference [it was at the bottom of the page of this journal]. This child brings me hope that life will not continue easily for us. I dared to pray for a tough situation that could grow all of us to show God’s glory in the midst of it. I have no doubts about His plans for us because I KNOW in my heart they are great plans to give us hope. And I do pray it strips away our shallowness and God can fill each one of the 5 of us with His love and acceptance and we learn in new ways His blessing and delight in all people.
As I wrote early this morning – only true love can bring freedom. And letting go of my control and trusting Him in what feels like a free fall right now is the deepest freedom I’ve known.
Only Dominic knows, we will get further confirmation at my ultrasound next Monday or that could prove inconclusive. We won’t really know till the baby is here.
Dominic has been completely accepting of it. He even said he has wondered each time we got pregnant if this would come up. I never knew that. But it appears we’ve both thought about it long before this day.
Be glorified Lord. When the time is right to talk about it give us the words to speak, the heart to share, no fear of vulnerability or praising You for all that is to be and all that is.
I love You Lord. Thank you for this gift of stretching and growing. I am humbled once again and know how much I need You every single day as we walk through this together. You are mighty God! Amen
*
REFLECTION
Jeremiah 29:11 – “I know the plans I have for you”, says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” – NLT
“For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.” – NKJV
Amazingly, during the year before this pregnancy, I had been praying off and on for our family to be challenged by God in order to bring Him glory.
I had no idea what our family might be called to do, in response to that prayer. And I certainly didn’t think that we would actually be called to have a child with special needs.
This was not the answer to prayer I was expecting, but as soon as we heard, we knew that this child was indeed our answer to prayer.
So there was our first silver lining – our prayers were answered.
