The Lies I Believed
3/15/18 – Finding the lies, replacing them with truth
I am the type of person who never stops thinking or analyzing or preparing. I have learned that I have to make choices about what I am going to believe. Who I am going to trust? How do I discover the lies in my head and replace them with the truth?
March 15, 2018 part b
Today was such a busy day, I did not stop ‘doing’ something the entire day. It was actually a great day. But then I was brought to the end of myself when putting the girls to bed, so I prayed for God’s strength.
It has to be one day at a time because thinking about the future is overwhelming. Thankfully when Jesus taught us to pray, he only asked for our daily bread and nothing more. I am learning so much about how to be like Him and being freed from so much.
I am in the process of being transformed and it is rigorous but good. A feel-good type of hurt like exercising. As I trust You more, things affect me less. I hardly even feel pregnant still. I keep thinking it’s all a joke and nothing is inside me.
My first appointment is tomorrow for an ultrasound. Luckily Dominic will come with me and we will see our #4 for the first time. If this turns into a difficult situation, I know You are with us Lord and You have good plans from all this. I believe in Your goodness more than I believe in the lies.
Your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Your prayer Lord keeps coming to mind – because I don’t know how to pray any more. But You do and I know You make intercession for me Holy Spirit (Romans 8:26). I praise You, I thank You, I bow in awe of You. Blessed be the name of the Lord. Amen
The lies were really swimming in my mind, taking away my joy.
For example, I was seriously preparing myself for a possible miscarriage. I had heard of so many friends at the time, who had experienced them, and I thought I would be next. The lie I heard started with a simple truth: I am selfish.
I wanted to suffer a miscarriage (however terrible that sounds) because the end result would be that our family didn’t have to change. We could keep going just as we were, and I was good with that.
The 1st lie was that I am selfish, and we didn’t need any additions.
A miscarriage would also mean that I didn’t have to receive “a blessing” that I knew other people were hoping to receive. This 2nd lie was a twisted way of thinking that I could somehow fit in with everyone else better if I too experienced loss at this point in my life.
These thoughts are a great example of a mental struggle I’ve had for as long as I can remember. I wanted to hide the good in my life thinking it would make everyone like me better (3rd lie).
That verse in Matthew about letting this little light of mine shine has been a point of rebellion for me. It’s like for all these years, I’ve said to God, “Take that, you have done great things for me but I’m not going to share them. I’d rather not get any attention and hide your goodness, than give you the glory.”
I have been a bland version of myself hoping to blend in with the wallpaper, trying not to stick out for any reason, good or bad. If I had this baby, I would stick out, no doubt about it. And I really didn’t want that – more than I didn’t want a miscarriage.
This was not – just a pregnancy – from the very beginning. This was a life changing turn of events that God had been planning for me in order to grow me in ways I had refused to grow in before.
I’m crying as I write this realizing I wanted the darkness of death over the light of life.
Even though I’d known God my whole life and He had been my best friend, savior, lover, healer, provider – I still didn’t want to shine as an example of the good He is capable of doing.
I would rather hide.
I still feel that way most of the time. He knows what is good in me, and I know it’s only good because He has helped me to be that way. I don’t want credit for any goodness. I want to go out of my way all the time to show people how imperfect and not good I am. Somehow I feel safer knowing that He is the only one who really knows all of me, good and bad. And I know, there is no one truly good but Jesus.
But back to my journal entry; I truly didn’t know how to pray for myself and this baby back then.
So instead, I prayed for God’s will to be done in our family, whatever that will was. He was teaching me to be content whatever the outcome was going to be.
I learned lies don’t have to be listened to or believed – I just need to keep the truth louder than the lie. I had to make a choice every day, many times a day to remind myself of His truth. I had to read the word. I had to listen to worship music that praised Him because he is always worthy of praise. I had to focus on who He is, what He has promised, and what He had done for me already.
The outcome was going to magnify His name not mine.
This little light of mine is His light, not mine.
Any goodness I have is also His, not mine.
My life is about Him and His plans, not mine.
I am still learning all of these truths day by day.
