Preparing For Bad News | The What If?
March 22, 2018 – Preparing for bad news – doubts and loneliness
It seems to be a pattern in my life, one that I was taught, to prepare for the worst. My dad used to say, “What would you do if ….” and he would mention a problem that could come up or an unlikely issue we were scared of. We would run through scenarios, until we had a good idea of what we would do just in case _______ happened.
I know he did it thinking it was a positive way to live, a way to be ready for the unknown. But as a kid, it also taught me how to look for the bad, how to expect things to go wrong. He forgot to tell me how to react when something good did end up happening.
As a result, I don’t naturally look for the positive in life or gravitate towards thankfulness for what has gone right or well in spite of the detours my life has taken. It has taken therapy in my twenties, and grief therapy in my thirties (called the Ultimate Journey) to finally learn how to let go of such a negative way of thinking.
And even though I know how to retrain my brain to be positive, I have to actually go through the steps consistently to DO IT. It is not natural or always my go-to reaction to be positive like I hope it will be someday. I’m still working on it – daily. This journal entry is an example of seeing one of the sad scenarios, which I expected and had been preparing for, come to life.
March 22, 2018
I think I’m starting to spot. It might be the beginning of a miscarriage. I’m not surprised after today.
My six year old son swallowed a quarter and I ended up taking him to the ER to get an x-ray. It was in his stomach, which is good since it didn’t get stuck on the way down. It should pass in 48 hours to 2 weeks. Only if he throws up non-stop do we need to bring him back in.
Then Dominic thought he was done with the project and late nights this week but two minutes after he got home the client called him and said one set wasn’t working. So he had to go back to work.
Then, this afternoon, all the parts that had been made were set up wrong by someone (not him) so he had to start from scratch after the other guys had already gone home for the day. He’s not even coming home tonight but spending the night there at work.
I’m in the middle of a storm.
I was just thinking or hoping for the baby today because the crampiness had finally stopped. But now its back. I hope its not unbearable. Telling the kids will be hard. I pray they take it well. How I react will be key and so far I am calm and at peace.
Having #4 at this time with all our circumstances scared me. I see that clearly. I wanted him more for the kids than myself. I look at our family and think we are complete as is.
This is my answer. I am relieved. Just wondering how I’ll get through it without disrupting our plans or having to get help with the kids.
It’s lonely lately. And I know my husband feels lonely, like he’s in his own world. We need help God. I don’t know what to do. I’m going to do my bible study and find comfort in Your word.
The song that came to mind while I poured out my heart in prayer putting my littlest to sleep was –
“Here I am, once again,
I pour out my heart cuz I know that you hear,
Every cry, you are listening, no matter what state, my heart is in,
You are faithful, to answer, with words that are true and a hope that is real,
I can feel your touch, You bring a freedom to all that’s within,
In the safety of this place,
I’m longing to
pour out my heart and say that I love you,
pour out my heart and say that I need you,
pour out my heart and say that I’m thankful,
pour out my heart and say that You’re wonderful”.
So here I am, all this song says I pray with all my heart. Amen. So be it.
In the midst of thinking the worst case scenario was happening, where was my heart and my mind? I was crying out for help. I was bringing my honesty and despair to the feet of Jesus. Not expecting miracles, but expecting to be met and comforted. I may not know how to be positive yet as my first reaction, but I knew who to turn to first when the bottom was falling from under me.
Writing down worship songs and praising God in my hurt, sadness, confusion, loneliness, anger – my lostness – has been an unexpected good thing to come out of journal writing. They are gifts of truth that remind me who is in control while I literally pour out my heart to the Lord of my life.
Worship is the quickest way to remember who is the One who is in control.
I love finding them in my entries because they redirect my focus away from myself and to the One who can heal my heart. It’s another lesson I seem to be taking a lifetime to learn – I am broken in more ways than I can ever see at once; BUT God is right here with me, filling my cracks and holding me together no matter what storms surround me.
I was also learning that when I hit the bottom, when I run out of my own will and sustenance, when I find my limits, I can find strength and hope in reading the word of God.
God’s word truly injects life into my weariness. God’s word renews my mind, restores my faith and reminds me I am not alone.
