Having A Child With Down Syndrome?
March 20, 2018 – Premonition about Down syndrome? Or preparation?
Waiting for news, especially about something like having a baby, is one of the hardest things in the world.
While I waited for the next appointment to find out if there was a baby in there or not, my mind wandered all over the place. I did all the things I was supposed to do: take the vitamins, eat healthier, make sure to exercise (which wasn’t hard chasing 3 kids around), get as much sleep as was possible and make all the appointments as needed. But the waiting can get under my skin like nothing else.
I prayed when I was pretty young (maybe 12 years old) for patience. And it’s been a running joke in my head between me and God that boy did He answer my prayer – over and over and over and over again making me wait for everything. Nothing has come quickly for me.
And though I didn’t know it at the time, this pregnancy would be the highest test of patience of my life. And having a child with Down syndrome would be a continuation of learning how to wait. But in all these years, I have also learned that the best things in life are usually had after the toughest fight and longest wait. The victory is that much sweeter. I know that even better now, but back then I just had this premonition of what may come.
March 20, 2018
I don’t know what to say tonight. I am exhausted. My body aches and I feel so crampy, and every once in a while, I feel sick or not hungry, then starving. I am all over the place. I wanted to go to coffee with my friend tonight, but Dominic had to work until 9 pm so I couldn’t go. I’m just glad it wasn’t an accountability group meeting night like it was supposed to be originally.
I feel drained right now.
Bible study was pretty good this morning. One part about being as a weaker vessel, the speaker said women are biologically designed to be weaker during one set period of time – the 9 months of pregnancy. I am feeling it but I’m not acting like it. Should I take it easy? Should I just keep going normal? I don’t know.
I also watched the video for genetic testing/screening. I didn’t realize that at 40 I have a 1 in 85 chance of having a baby with Down syndrome. It’s a scary thought but I’ve actually thought we would have one.
At this point I don’t even know if this pregnancy is viable. But I think whatever happens in this pregnancy, it will be a testimony of God’s love and grace. We will give glory to You for whatever happens. That gives me comfort. To know you have a plan for us and our possible little Simon or Emmet or Gabriel.
I can’t see anything on this path, I don’t know exactly where or how or when it ends. But as I prayed at church, I want to submit to this path, to Your will even if I don’t get it.
God, I need You and Your strength – mentally, emotionally and spiritually, as well as physically. Can my old body do this? I don’t feel like it can, but I choose to bow to You and Your glory.
I honor and respect You Lord with all I can muster. It doesn’t feel like I can give 100% and I want to berate myself and condemn myself that I’m not all in. But I’m being honest about my weakness and focus. I know the easier way, or I think it’s the easier way but that is not my choice to make.
My choice is to choose You and Your ways, which are so much higher and better than my ways. I cling to Proverbs 3:5, 6* and I just looked at the bottom of this page and read the verse, 1 Corinthians 2:9** and I know I love You. And I know I can’t imagine what You have prepared for me here on earth or up in heaven.
But my mustard seed of faith, knows it is all good. It will be a struggle, but Your glory is so much more than the suffering I may endure. So with my mind, I commit myself to You. I pray Your will be done. I ask for strength and peace as my journey continues. Thank you, Lord, for hearing me and loving me.
This entry makes me cry every time I read it.
I can’t believe I wrote the sentence, “It’s a scary thought but, I’ve actually thought we would have one.” In the time I wrote this, in the wait, it was an abstract thought, wondering if “that” would happen to us.
I had no idea of all the things I didn’t know about children and families touched by DS. Up to that point I had hardly any interaction with any families who had a child with DS.
But, I can see now, that my heart was being prepared for this crazy thought actually becoming reality. I ended up sharing that thought with only a few people before we actually found out what our NIPT results and chances were.
It was still the idea of having four kids that scared me more than any other results or outcomes that were possible. And the wait scared me too. Nine or ten months seem really really long at the beginning.
*Proverbs 3:5,6 NKJV – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths.
**1 Corinthians 2:9 NKJV – “But as it is written: “Eye has not seen, nor ear heard, nor have entered into the heart of man the things which God has prepared for those who love Him.”
