Down Syndrome News Is Not Bad News
March 21, 2018 – Another ultrasound on the schedule
It’s amazing to me I was writing so often during this time. I guess it was important to mark that a new appointment had been made to see if this baby was really there. My thoughts were starting to change, from so much fear of the ‘what if’ scenarios I imagined, to coming to terms and peace of what actually was. I still thought bad news was coming and I wanted wisdom to give it well to the kids.
It’s interesting now, looking back, that though we did have to give the kids news that wasn’t expected, it also wasn’t the bad news I was thinking we would have to tell them. Telling the kids about the loss of a pregnancy is a very different conversation than telling them our new baby was going to be born with Down syndrome. Some people might think they are both bad news and it is debatable which one is worse.
But, part of what I want to share in this blog is that the news of Down syndrome does not have to be bad news. It is unexpected, sure, but it does not mean your child is bad, sick, broken or unwanted.
The baby with this kind of news is going to be born with a variety of “quirks” as I like to call them. This child is an opportunity to see what true acceptance and love can look like with someone who does not fit with society’s definition of potential for success.
That’s not bad news at all; that is a reality check of what our hearts truly long for and understand as what love is. Because, we all want to be accepted just as we are, all our quirks included.
No one is perfect.
No child is assured of an easy and healthy life.
Virtually none of the inevitable problems and illnesses that will happen in a person’s life are found in a test before that person is born.
And we are all ok with not knowing the future when there is no prenatal diagnosis.
Every kid born is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you are going to get, as Forest Gump tells us.
Finding out about Down syndrome prenatally can actually be a blessing, because it means preparations can happen to get the right medical help and support in place before the baby comes. But I am way ahead of myself here.
I just couldn’t wait for another blog entry to get this idea out there.
ALL children are created in the image of God. EVERY single person has a God given purpose and plans for good that work out for the glory of God if they choose to love Him.
No one is assured an easy life, void of suffering or sickness. And I would argue that Down syndrome is neither one of those things – suffering or sickness.
It’s our perspective about any so-called suffering that will make all the difference in how much suffering one will actually feel.
Joy is a choice that anyone can make in the face of any unexpected, bad, sad, sick, or messed up news and circumstances. God is with us in every moment. He is the one we can cling to for help when no one else can. Because the truth is that He is the only one who can save us. He has seen it all before and is not surprised.
March 21, 2018
I heard from my doctor today and I have a follow-up ultrasound now on Friday. I still don’t know what I want except, God’s will be done.
I am beyond blessed by the three kids I have already. I’m realizing I’m content though I can see how God is working my wrong thoughts out of me. No more thinking, “What if we had 4” or “One more boy would complete our family” or “This all should have happened ten years ago”. For all I know this did happen eight years ago.
Somehow this experience will complete us and we would have come full circle from the first baby we lost. What a journey of loss and pregnancy and so much blessing and life coming out of an initial season of death and confusion. From death to life, to life, to life, to ________ (we will soon find out).
I trust you Lord, though I pray we help the kids if there is bad news. They may take it hard. I hope we can communicate Your love when things don’t turn out exactly as we planned. I love them so much and want them to love You more than anything.
Thank you God. for this opportunity to teach them real life. Be glorified by my actions and words, may I be better self-controlled than I was today. Give our family a break, a rest from so much stress. I feel like I am drifting from my husband and I don’t know how to get back. Help me Lord. Amen
I learned that a pregnancy journey is not just about me and my body, or you and your body. It is also about the whole family and all the others who are watching and supporting us along the way.
Our friends and extended family could see what we were dealing with in our life and how this change of plans would affect us. But, I was most concerned with our kids of course. They had just handled one death, of their great-grandfather, but they were all too young to get emotional about it at the time.
Since we had decided to tell them right away about the pregnancy this would be a different kind of death to explain.
But long before I ever had a baby, I had made a decision about how to talk to kids about difficult events. I wouldn’t lie to them or shield them from every bad thing that happened. I wanted them to learn what to do when life and death happens. I want them to see me upset and cry out to God in my pain. I also want them to see me praise God even when things are not going well so they can learn that He is not an absent God in times of trouble. He is with us in everything. He is good and He has good plans for us even when we don’t see them.
Of course, I don’t want my kids to see me wailing about hopelessly (when I am that emotional I do it alone in the shower so I don’t scare them too much). It’s important for them to learn that emotions are not good or bad, they are simply part of how we are made. The easiest way to get through the hard feelings is to actually sit with them and walk with them, sort them and finally accept them. We have to model that process for them because our actions speak louder than our words. Our emotions and the resolutions they see will speak louder than our words as well.
I hope to teach them to go through the process of grief in a healthy way that does not include stuffing their feelings or numbing out or ignoring them and pretending they don’t exist.
The truth is: bad feelings don’t have to last forever. We CAN choose to let them go. We CAN be thankful and choose JOY in the midst of any circumstance.
And I don’t know how it happens, but when I submit to God in my circumstances, He has a way of changing my beliefs and feelings into something good.
So if your first reaction, or your second or third reactions are not what you are hoping for when you get the news of Down syndrome don’t be afraid. Those feelings can change. You can choose to change them and see the blessing outside of the disappointment. If you look for the good in Down syndrome you will find it.
