Pregnant At 40 And What God Showed Me
Finally finding freedom, almost 40, then – Pregnant?!?!
The day I found out I was pregnant I was shocked. That’s putting it mildly. I was flabbergasted, gobsmacked, bewildered, and in denial.
We had talked about having my husband “fixed” many times before only to put it off again and again. I believe we had even scheduled it two different times and then had to postpone each time due to sickness or work schedules, or something.
God had other plans in mind, beyond anything we had imagined. All along our years of dating and then subsequent years of marriage, God had shown us that our plans were not His plans.
We had experienced a few years of infertility early in our marriage, and then our first pregnancy resulted in an ectopic pregnancy at around 6-8 weeks. I had lost part of my right fallopian tube, and then suffered the worst and longest depression of my life.
All hope of having children was off the table as far as I was concerned. It would take a miracle to have any kids. I gave God slim odds of making that happen.
The story of our infertility, loss, and then 3 surprising blessings would take too long to describe here. I hope to explain another day.
But that procreating journey we had been on, I thought was over. I thought we were set with 3 kids. Being pregnant and having a baby around was not my favorite thing, if I’m being totally honest. Our youngest was going to be 3 and we were finally into the next stage (or so I thought) of being able to do stuff that didn’t center on a nap schedule or certain eating times.
Best of all, after 6 plus years, we were finally diaper free! Our freedom was just beginning to come back around to us. Maybe we could have even taken a nice vacation, whatever that means, when you have a 6, 5 and 3-year-old. To say this was a change of life we were not expecting is more than fair.
When it all began, my Journal Entry from March 5, 2018. H2
Well, I woke up when Dominic woke up this morning around 5 am and took a pregnancy test – Positive. It was a Dollar Store test and I did it maybe a little wrong, but it showed 2 pink lines. I was/am in shock. But I dreamed I was pregnant last week, it was so realistic. And I looked up my due date last week too just in case.
I just know it’s a boy. I can’t believe I’m going to actually have to live through it, it’s not just a dream anymore. And, I’m just 3 months away from being 40.
I’m feeling guilty that one of my best friends can’t hold a pregnancy and is still grieving and my own sister still hasn’t gotten pregnant and doesn’t know if she ever will. And here I am, going on #4!
Wow! I just can’t believe it!
I want to talk to someone but the only person who knows is Dominic. I emailed my doctor today too, about when to come in and see her. It’s crazy but not totally.
What was it I just prayed yesterday:
‘You have prepared good works for me to walk in.’
I welcomed them just last night. If this is to be one of them (a good work), I give You praise and glory God. Another child who will be a reminder of your grace to me. He will be your child too, just like the other 3.
I see the verse I started this entry on is Jeremiah 29:11 (NLT), ‘For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.”
I have to keep telling myself that Your plans for me are good. I give you my anxiety and deep fears that keep trying to come up. They are habitual, even though I know I’ve been freed from fear. I know Your love now.
If I thought other years were hard… this will be an interesting new challenge for sure. I am not able to survive this, but You are Lord. Be glorified. Every day I pray I choose to say, ‘Be glorified today.’ Thank you for this opportunity, this blessing, this grace. Amen”
What God Showed Me
This child, like the others, was a blessing and there was a reason for this change in my plans. I can see that in my journal entry.
I also see how I am convincing myself that this will be good. That first day there was so much anxiety and fear about how to handle a fourth child. I already felt stretched thin and out of my league doing homeschool for the first time that year with my oldest, who had just started kindergarten.
I also laugh now how I automatically thought it was a boy!
The funny thing was, my kids and I had just started listening to the “Boxcar Children” audiobooks, so of course my mind went to the idea that we would be just like them – a boy, two girls, and another boy to round it out.
Plus, with us having two emotional daughters already, who freak out and throw tantrums like I never imagined, I literally couldn’t imagine any more estrogen in our house.
God loved me and I had nothing to fear. But inside I knew what I had to fear – sickness, gaining weight, losing countless hours of sleep, being so uncomfortable, having to give birth ONE MORE time.
God only knows the mysteries of how and why children are born and to which families, which boggles my mind. Why couldn’t it be a little more equal?
I still remember what it was like yearning for the chance to have just one child; and I had those two loving women in my life who would do anything for the chance to give birth. I felt guilty that it was happening to me once again and not for them. I thought, why not them? And, how am I going to share this news with them without hurting them?
God showed me how much I need him. I knew right from the beginning that I was not able to go through this without His help. I was desperate for His reassurance and my own daily confession of my need for him every step of the way.
God gave me a chance to grow. This experience was an opportunity to show His love and grace in a new way.
I had no idea what way that was going to be, but I was so desperate for His help, I made the only choice I could. I did not feel prepared or ready, and definitely not confident in myself to handle this news.
But somehow, by God’s grace, I chose to go along for the ride He was directing. And I wanted Him to be glorified one day at a time.
